"Trauma is a wordless story our body tells itself about what is safe and what is a threat."
- Resmaa Menakem
Overwhelm Shapes our Instincts
No trauma is the same, yet the concept is universal.
Trauma is a deeply distressing or violating experience. It might be a threat to our lives or wellbeing, or someone else’s. It can also be a threat to what’s important to us such as our beliefs, sense of self, or what we depend on. While trauma is frequently thought of as a singular event, more often than not, it’s a collection of experiences that compound over time.
The distress during trauma leaves an imprint on our mind and body, influencing our instincts long after the trauma has ended. Trauma shifts how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us.
It is mind and body overwhelm in its purest form, and we naturally adopt coping strategies in hopes of resolving it or preventing it from occurring again. Yet our coping strategies, when unexamined, often cause more harm than good.
Some people cope with abandonment by becoming people-pleasers. Perhaps you find your saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” You’re afraid to disappoint others so you strive to win their approval. You may be overly accommodating to avoid rejection or being exposed as the bad person you believe yourself to be.
Or it might be uncomfortable having desires and feelings of your own, separate from others. Deep down, you believe you have to hide parts of yourself to be loved.
If you’ve been hurt by another’s anger, your own anger can feel threatening and inappropriate. Instead of getting mad, you find yourself feeling guilty for being upset. You may feel unsure of yourself or perform self-defeating kindness to compensate. When anger is needed to advocate for yourself, you feel conflicted, respond with ambivalence, or retreat.
No matter trauma’s effects, beneath the surface, a part of you yearns for deeper connection, less loneliness, and a larger life. While your strategies may grant you a sense of comfort or protection, you’ve lost out on connection and joy. It’s a steep price to pay.
Perhaps you struggle with intimacy and trust, navigating relationships without getting too close or vulnerable. You’re naturally cynical about people’s intensions, it doesn’t take much to get irritated or withdraw, and you’re always on guard. You may know other people really well, but do people really know you? You keep people at a distance to ensure that no one can take advantage of you.”
No matter trauma’s effects, beneath the surface, a part of you yearns for deeper connection, less loneliness, and a larger life.
Perhaps you don’t trust many anyone. You find yourself navigating relationships without getting too close or vulnerable. You’re naturally cynical about people’s intensions, it doesn’t take much to get irritated or withdraw, and you’re always on guard. You may know other people really well, but do people really know you? You keep people at a distance to ensure that no one can take advantage of you.
No matter trauma’s effects, beneath the surface, a part of you yearns for deeper connection, less loneliness, and a larger life. While your strategies may grant you a sense of comfort or protection, you’ve lost out on connection and joy. It’s a steep price to pay.
"Sometimes the only way out is through."
When we’re in distress, our ability to reason and process are stifled. Recovery from trauma includes carefully processing and making meaning of what happened.
Therapy can help you manage and repurpose distressing feelings associated with the trauma.
The therapeutic relationship offers a contained testing ground to renegotiate relationships and your self-esteem. It’s a space where you can re-organize the thoughts, emotions and coping strategies that remain long after the trauma has ended.
Healing trauma is a paradox, it requires that we confront the worst experiences in our life, which we understandable may want to avoid. And yet, when we talk through these experiences, and make meaning of our reactions, we can grow from our trauma, and live with more abundance.
